Closing a chapter

I just don’t even know where to begin.  SO much is going on in my heart and mind lately.  This season of motherhood is beautiful.  Absolutely take your breath away-music seems to be playing in the background it’s so beautiful, beautiful.  And it’s hard.  Absolutely dig so deep into your ugly soul because you just can’t seem to do it one more minute, hard.  And it’s busy…but at the same time so lonely.  One minute I feel like I’ve reached the peak of life and everything is beautiful…even the daily grind.  And the next I feel like I will never ever be able to dig myself out of the pit of never ending stuff.  I know it’s not just me!  This is motherhood.  Hard, ugly, lonely, so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  Postpartum hormones are raging through my body and I’m in this all familiar place of feeling drastically ecstatic and near euphoria and at the same time weepy about everything.

It would be redundant to write it all out, and frankly I’d rather watch TV when the kids are in bed. Ha!

I think the biggest thing in my life now is sadness of closing a chapter of our lives.  The chapter of babies. My favorite chapter so far.  The chapter where I fell in love with husband with a real, true, mature, deep love.  The chapter of learning so deeply about the character of Christ and briefly glimpsing the big picture of eternity every now and then.  The chapter of my heart growing miraculously every time I held my newest baby.

Last week we took medical steps to end that chapter (snip snip).  And it’s weird because I feel the need to explain myself or justify the decision, even though it was a very carefully thought out decision on our parts and it really is no ones business.  Tears were pouring down my face even as I waited in the doctor’s office waiting room for Noah to be done.  So much that I had to leave for a few minutes.  My heart was broken, but at the same time it was peaceful.  I do believe that God can always give us another child either through adoption or through us getting pregnant despite the odds, but I have really been convicted of my need to be present for the children I have been blessed with.  It’s really hard to be present when you are in the limbo stage.  The, “if I get pregnant this month, we will have a baby in July and therefore couldn’t do this, this or that” stage.  At least it is for me.  I do everything to the fullest and if I want to get pregnant…it consumes me.  It is also hard to be present when you are mourning a miscarriage.  I’ve had 4 and it doesn’t get easier. Ever.  There’s a baby and you plan for that baby and all of a sudden there isn’t a baby.  And you want the world to stop, and it doesn’t.  And you try to not cry in front of the kids you do have and you try not to be ungrateful for the kids that you do have.  It’s hard to be present when you throw up every few minutes for months and months and months.  It’s hard to never have the energy to play or read or talk.  And it’s hard to be present during months of prodromal labor and difficult labors.

So I chose to be present.  It’s as simple as that.

I want to move on to the next chapter with excitement and health!  I want to be able to be the best mother I can be to Barclay, Sullivan and Lucy Miller.  Because honestly, I never would “be done”.  I will always want to be pregnant (even if I am puking my guts out….it is still the most amazing experience).  I will always want to hold and nurse and cuddle a newborn.  I don’t think the words, “I never want another baby” could ever come from my mouth.

I read somewhere that when you have your last baby, their firsts are your lasts.

I’m trying not to live each day with that reality haunting me.  It’s too hard!  But as I put away each little outgrown sleeper a piece of my heart rejoices for the blessing of my 3 and breaks just the tiniest bit for the passing of time before I’m ready.

Here’s to the opening of a new, wonderful chapter of life!

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